Seven Brides for Seven Swordsmen

Tae:  Stop! Stopstopstopstopstopstop!  That's just too silly!  I won't write it!  I won't!

Kenshin:  What?  What?  Tae-dono, what's wrong?

Tae:  I was trampled by a rampaging mob of stupid fanfic ideas.  One of them won't let go!!

Kenshin:  ORO?

Tae:  This always happens whenever I'm having trouble with a real fic!

Kenshin:  What's giving you trouble?

Tae:  Well, let's see... I have to find a non-ecchi way for Hiko to explain to you what you're supposed to do with your dangly bits... (at that, Tamahome chokes on the soda he's drinking, and Tasuki busts out into outright guffaws while Kenshin turns red) and I have to figure out how to finish Kindoku without anything bad happening to Tae or Tsubame.

Kenshin (still red-faced):  I can see why you're having difficulty.  So... what's this new idea?

Tae:  It's an idea for a Rurouni Kenshin parody of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  It's called Seven Brides for Seven Swordsmen.

Kenshin: Seven? Where did you get Seven?  There aren't seven swordsmen in the Kenshin-gumi.

Tae: You, Yahiko, Sano, Saitoh, Aoshi, Soujirou, and Enishi.

Tamahome: Sano isn't a swordsman.

Tae:  Sano used a sword in the first few episodes in which he appeared.  All right, it was a big, unwieldy sword -- it was still a sword.  If you like, though, I can replace him with Chou.

Kenshin (somewhat hastily):  Sano's fine.

Tasuki: What about Enishi?  He's a raving madman!  Not to mention that he's not particularly friendly toward Kenshin.

Tamahome:  And Saitoh's already married.

Kenshin:  And Yahiko's too young.

Tae:  Look, would you just work with me here?  In Yahiko's case it's just a betrothal, okay?

Tamahome:  Who's gonna be Adam?

Tae:  Well... Saitoh's probably the best fit, since he is already married.  And Adam pretty much does things however he wants to do them -- nothing anyone says makes any difference.  That's Saitoh to a T.

Tamahome:  Ano... Tae-chan... what about the scene where he wanders through town singing?

Tae:   Hmmmmm.....

Saitoh and Uramura sat in the Chief's office, discussing some official business.  As their business concluded, Saitoh rose smoothly to his feet.

"Is there anything else, Fujita-san?"

Saitoh considered a moment before responding, "I've decided to get married while I'm in town.  You wouldn't happen to have an unmarried daughter around, would you?"

"Fujita-san!"  Uramura was shocked, to say the least.

"No?  Well then, I'd best be going.  Good day."  Unfazed by Uramura's reaction, Saitoh took his leave.  He stood outside for a moment, watching the passersby.  "Bless your beautiful hide," he suddenly sang, his voice rather dead-pan, "wherever you may be.  We haven't met yet, but I'd be willing to bet, you're the woman for me."  Purposefully, he began walking down the street, still singing.  "Kawaii and proud, but rather loud," he sang as he walked past Misao, easily sidestepping as his commentary drew a flock of kunai.  He turned and smirked at her before continuing on his way, her curses following him.  "Beautiful eyes, but oh, too sly," was his observation as he watched Megumi, "she's got to be right, to be the bride for me."

Tae (as Kenshin, Tamahome and Tasuki sweatdrop):  Maybe we'll just skip the singing.  Or, I could try casting Kenshin instead.  That would make the food-related scenes interesting.

Kenshin eyed the bowl of miso soup Kaoru offered him, trying to figure out a polite way to decline.  "Ano... do you have any..."  Salt? Rice?  What... what could possibly make this any better?  he thought frantically.

"My soup can stand on it's own feet," she told him.

Yes, but will it get up and walk away if I ask it politely?  Swallowing nervously, he picked up the bowl and drank it down in a single gulp, trying not to taste it.

*   *   *

"Itadakimasu!"  the swordsmen intoned in unison as they broke their chopsticks.  As a man, they dug into their meals... and froze as the horrible taste registered.

"Mou!  If that's the way you're going to be, you can just go hungry!"  Kaoru cried.  Reaching out, she tipped the low table over, dumping the food onto the floor before stomping off in a huff.

"That was a close one," Sano said after she was gone.

"Honto..." Yahiko agreed.

Tamahome (laughing):  That's true...  Kaoru's cooking would make those two scenes funny.

Tae:  Still... I really think Saitoh fits the role better.  And Tokio's the only one I can see keeping everyone else in line... sort of mothering them.  Since we don't really know much about her, it's easier to fit her into the role of Millie.  Kaoru or Misao wouldn't work at all.

Tasuki:  So how are you going to pair everyone up?  The kidnapping should be interesting.

Tae:  Well, let's see...

Once it was dark, the swordsmen crept purposefully into town, splitting up to track down their individual quarry.

Kenshin found his bride-to-be meditating quietly in her dojo.  Using his legendary speed, he slipped into the room, threw a soft linen blanket over her head, slung her surprised form over his shoulder, and sped off into the night.

"Kenshin no baka!" she yelled once they reached the swordsmen's agreed upon rendezvous point, and he set her on her feet again, "you could have just asked!"

"Oro?!"  Kenshin raised one hand to rub the back of his head in an embarrassed fashion, while Saitoh, in his position on the driver's bench of the waiting wagon, laughed.

Sano arrived next, Megumi wriggling and kicking as she slid off his shoulder.

"Sanosuke!  What makes you think I'll marry you?!"

Sano smiled.   "I've read all about your feelings for me in various RK fanfics, Fox Lady.  You're not fooling anyone."  Megumi blushed bright red at that, but offered no further protest.

"Yahiko-kun!  I'm scared!"  Tsubame whimpered as the boy carried her slowly up to the five clustered about the wagon.

"Tsubame!"  Yahiko's voice betrayed his hurt.  "I thought you liked me!"

"I do! I do!"

"Then why are you frightened?"  Now his voice was puzzled.

"Because I'm up so high!"  Everyone face-faulted at that, for Tsubame was slung over Yahiko's shoulder, and her head was no further from the ground than if she'd been on her own two feet.

"Ow!  Quit kicking me!  Stop!"  Enishi's distressed voice drew their attention as Yahiko let Tsubame slide to the ground.    The silver-haired swordsman was carrying a loosely wrapped blanket over his shoulder, but the blanket was empty.  Nevertheless, he acted as if he carried a protesting woman, wincing slightly as her imagined kicks landed.  He set the rolled blanket carefully on the floor of the waiting wagon, and began apologizing to it profusely.

"What's wrong with him?"  Kaoru whispered.

"He's got an imaginary fiance to replace his imaginary sister," Sano replied.

"He what?!"

"Nevermind," Kenshin told her, casting a reproving glance at Sanosuke.  Sano merely shrugged and smiled.

"Misao.  This isn't the way this is supposed to work."  Aoshi's voice was vaguely annoyed as it carried to them out of the darkness.

"Ohhh.... Aoshi-sama!"  In contrast, Misao's voice was beyond pleased.

Turning, the growing group watched as Aoshi approached, their faces reflecting their surprise at what they saw.  Misao was clinging to her Aoshi-sama like a limpet -- her arms around his neck, her legs around his waist, and her head snuggled into his shoulder.  Aoshi supported her stoically, only his faintly red face reflecting his embarrassment.  He released his hold once they reached the wagon, but Misao remained where she was.  Aoshi's hands spread in silent apology, indicating that the situation was beyond his control.

Kenshin cleared his throat, breaking the awkward silence.  "Well then, we're just waiting for Soujirou..."

"Himura-san?"  Soujirou's polite voice interrupted him.  Everyone blinked, surprised to find Soujirou carefully depositing his bride-to-be on the edge of the wagon.

"That damn speed of his," Sano muttered under his breath, drawing Soujirou's smile.

"Not this time, Sano-san," the young man assured him, "you were just distracted by Shinomori-san."

Tamahome:  But who is Soujirou's bride?

Tae:  Not telling.

Tasuki:  That's cruel!

Tae:  Oh, all right... it's Raya.

Tasuki:  That should make her happy.

Kenshin:  Tae-dono, even if you forget about Saitoh singing, that still leaves the rest of us.

Tae:  That's true, but I'm not really worried.  Well, Enishi bothers me a little, but the rest of you don't.  I'm looking forward to the "lonesome" scene.

Kenshin, Aoshi, Yahiko, Sano, Enishi and Soujirou moped around outside their home.  For various reasons -- not the least of which being the swordsmen's failure to kidnap a preacher -- their loves had become angry with them on the journey home.  As a result, Tokio had thrown the swordsmen out of the house for the duration of the women's stay.

"I'm a lonesome swordsman," Kenshin suddenly proclaimed, his voice ringing soft but clear as he raised it in song, "lonesome, sad and blue.  'Cause I ain't got no damsel in distress, for me to rescue."

Tasuki and Tamahome collapse laughing while Kenshin sweatdrops.

Kenshin:  Tae-dono...

Tae:  Oh, don't worry about it.  I've pretty much exhausted all of the ideas I've had so far.  This won't ever be a full length fic.  You can confine your singing to the RK character vocals, 'kay?

Kenshin breathes a sigh of relief.

Tasuki:  So that's the end?

Tae:  Yup.  The idea seems to have been satisfied.

Tasuki:  And it was just getting to be funny!

Tae:  Well, tune in next time for "The Swordsman" a crazed adaptation of "The Music Man".

Kaoru (singing):  Tae-san!  As long as Kamiya Kasshin Ryu was entrusted to me with the purpose of promoting the sword that protects life I can't help my concern that the men of Tokyo city keep ignoring me and haven't enrolled for class!

Tae (singing):  But Kaoru-chan!  As long as a man has... equipment  and you've got none, why should he learn the sword from you?  Even if you can beat Yahiko and Sanosuke and all those other street thugs?

Kaoru (singing):  Tae-san!  If you don't mind my saying so you have a bad habit, of sticking your nose into my business--

Tae (singing):  I haven't stuck my nose into your business! I was just talking about that stranger--

Kaoru (singing):  What stranger?!

Tae (singing):  With the sakaba!  He may be your very last chance!

Kenshin:  Is no old movie safe?



Sekihara Tae
tae@sekihara.dreamhost.com
November 14, 1998


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